Top Ten Reasons Why I’m a Crappy Soccer Mom

It’s soccer season again and, as always, I find myself slacking in my parenting duties. Sure, I get my kid to practices and games on time, I shove a water bottle in his backpack, and I drive countless hours to stand on the sidelines and not say a word (see #9 below) but I’m still not in the running for “Soccer Mom of the Year.”

I wasn’t Baseball Mom of the Year either and there is no way I’ll be Track Mom of the Year. I’ve been to two of my older son’s track meets in two years! Yes, I know, I’m a crappy track mom but, come on! He’s a sprinter, so even if he runs in three events he is done in less than 75 seconds. Do you know how long a track meet is?? (2-3 hours, in case you didn’t know).

So this weekend, as I drove back-and-forth to my son’s soccer tournament, I thought about all of the “good sports moms” (and dads) who I watched on the sidelines and I realized what they could teach me:

  1. A good soccer mom would not sit in the car flipping through a stack of magazines when it is raining/below 30 degrees/above 90 degrees. She would be properly dressed and sitting on the sidelines.
  2. A good soccer mom would take photos of her child playing soccer. The only photos I have of my kid are from four years ago and he’s in the background of a picture of someone else’s kid…at least I think that’s my kid.
  3. A good soccer mom would not send her child to soccer practice when the heat index is over 100 degrees without the appropriate gear. Cooling towels and Gatorade are musts; one bottle of water is, apparently, not enough.
  4. A good soccer mom would not send her child to soccer practice with a sore throat/the sniffles/a hacking cough unless she had already ruled out strep or swine flu.
  5. A good soccer mom would observe the self-imposed 24-hour rule and not talk about all the ways in which her child did not do well as soon as his mud-caked butt hit the car seat.
  6. A good soccer mom would pack snacks for her kid traveling to and from soccer games and tournaments so she wouldn’t have to stop at the gas-station mini-mart to pick up beef jerky and pork rinds.
  7. A good soccer mom would have clothing items in the exact shade of blue (or green or yellow) as her child’s uniform or at the very least have lots of clothing with the team logo on it. (Ok, this is definitely more of a baseball parent thing but I saw a lot of color-coordinated parents this weekend.)
  8. A good soccer mom would be the team manager and the team coach and the team mascot and not simply check the box that reads “let me know if you need anything” knowing full well that all of the other good soccer moms already have it covered.
  9. A good soccer mom would not embarrass her child by yelling out, “Take the ball up!” or “Run!” Your child can hear you (all evidence to the contrary) and any words of “encouragement” are distracting and annoying (trust me; ask your child).
  10. A good soccer mom would never utter the words: “This game would be so much better with a margarita.” Or would she…?

What kind of sports parent are you?

9 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Dana on September 4, 2013 at 2:01 am

    What is a soccer player to do without a Frogg Toggs Neck Cooler these days? Who invented that “must have” junior sporting accessory? Remember the days when the whole team had to drink water from the same giant water bottle?



  2. I know! And the worst part is, I don’t even know about half of the accessories that the kids “should” have. My kids are the ones who are always begging for a drink from someone else’s water bottle. Which is a problem, I suppose, when I send them to practice with a hacking cough and a stuffy nose.



  3. Posted by Christina Jones on September 4, 2013 at 2:43 am

    I love this one!

    Christina Jones,LCSW Psychotherapist & Consultant



  4. Posted by Joy on September 4, 2013 at 2:49 am

    My sentiments exactly! Especially Reason #1–I’ve spent many a game in the car with my daughter, who also won’t tolerate the less-than-perfect weather conditions. I was so happy when my son said he didn’t want to continue soccer (after one season), and with baseball, I’m secretly “not-so-sad” whenever the team loses because it means a shorter season. Now if that’s not a bad baseball mom, I don’t know what is!



  5. Posted by darren on September 4, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Just don’t expect to have them by your side changing your dirty undergarments when you’re an oldie… cheering you on… or giving you prune juice…



  6. Ha! Yes, it’s okay to take short cuts sometimes. I think our kids are fortunate to have the opportunity to play sports and to have loving parents who support them. I remember playing tennis and seeing my mom sitting on the bleachers knitting and thinking, “Why is she knitting and not watching me?” Now I’m a parent and sitting on the sidelines typing at my computer while my kids play tennis and I finally get it. It’s important to provide our kids with opportunity and to encourage and support them but we don’t have to focus on them 24-7! We’re allowed to focus on ourselves too. 🙂



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