Make the Most of Summer With Your College Kids

When my kids were little summer break seemed to never end (how many times can one mom help set up and clean up a lemonade stand??). But then, as the kids got older it seemed like I never saw them much. Between day camp, trips to the pool, and hanging with friends those long summer days went by in a flash. I learned very early to schedule some family time or our summer breaks and any extended free time with our kids was gone before we could say, “Who’s up for a family game night?”

Now, with one of our sons off to college in the fall and one newly graduated from college and off on his own soon, I feel even more desperate to spend time as a family. So I  compiled a list of possible summer activities–some tried and true, some that I have on the list every year and never get around to–with the intention of checking every last item off the list this year (I swear!).

In case you are looking for inspiration, I shared my list with Collegiate Parent. Even if you only take one idea from the list – or maybe just take away the idea of making a list – try to squeeze in some family time with your college kids this summer. It really does go by in the blink of any eye.

http://www.collegiateparent.com/starting-college/parenting/a-summer-bucket-list-for-college-families/

 

We are always looking for more ideas. What activities would you add?

images-7.jpg

Advertisements

Yanny or Laurel? (Or why parents already know that two people can hear two different things)

Did you hear Yanny or Laurel?

That’s the question on everyone’s mind right now (ok, maybe there are other things on your mind but this might be one of them). If you don’t know what I’m talking about go here and listen, then come back and tell me what you heard. Go on, I’ll wait.

What did you hear? Actually, it doesn’t matter what you heard because there are people in both camps – much like that blue/black or white/gold dress from last year. The whole thing is weird though, right? How can we see or hear something completely different from someone else? Does that mean that we always hear or see different things from each other?? Is the color that I call “blue” the same color that you call blue??

Now, if you think that was strange, there’s another auditory illusion sweeping the internet called Brainstorm/Green Needle. What’s really odd about this one though isn’t that you and I might hear something different while listening to the clip together, it’s that you and I will will hear different things just by thinking different things. As you listen to the clip, think either Brainstorm or Green Needle and see what you hear. For kicks, try hearing Brain Needle or Green Storm. Try it here and come back.

I know! It’s so disturbing!

Now, I can wrap my brain around the scientific basis for why we each may hear something different when we are listening to the Yanny/Laurel clip (something about frequencies and how information is recorded by the ear and interpreted by the brain), but this other clip had me stumped. How is it possible that just thinking something can make you hear something different?

Well, a friend she set me straight. She explained that we parents have been dealing with this phenomenon since our kids were old enough to understand what we were asking of them.

This is different than selective hearing, it’s “wishful-hearing.” My kids haven’t been tuning me out, they were just creating a different reality. For instance, when my kids were little I would say, “Please don’t throw food at your brother,” but clearly my boys were thinking, “Please throw food at your brother,” so that’s what they heard me say. Similarly, when I now say, “please walk the dog,” my son is probably thinking, “Mom will walk the dog,” so that’s what he hears.

Try this one, too. Go tell your kid to do something and then ask what he or she heard you say. I bet it has nothing to do with what you said.

The great thing about this theory is that you can’t take it personally. It’s not about your kid being disrespectful or ignoring you, it’s about a different reality. Thankfully, it works both ways. Go get one of your kids and tell them to ask you for something, like money. As your daughter says the words, “Can I have $20?” I want you to think that she’s saying, “I am going to look for a better job so next time I need $20 I can take it out of my own bank account instead of asking you?”

See, wishful-hearing. It works for everyone.

 

Preparing For the Return of Your College Kid(s)

il_570xN.324633475

 

Are you eagerly anticipating the day your college kid returns home for the summer? Are you imagining smiles and laughter and months filled with joy??

Brace yourself.

Whether this is the first time you will experience a college kid’s return for the summer or your eighth, you need to be prepared. And I don’t just mean with a fully stocked fridge. I mean mentally and emotionally because no matter how excited you are to see your kids after they’ve been gone for so long there is bound to be a bumpy transition.

Here are my tips – from my latest post on Collegiate Parent – to help you Brace for Reentry.

Bracing For Reentry: The Return Of Your College Student For Summer

 

How do you prepare for the return of your kids?

 

Like this post? Sharing is caring

Seven End-of-Semester Survival Strategies For Your College Student

I have two seniors – one graduating from high school and one graduating from college. Both are barreling toward that (figuratively) dark time in the school year – that time when the sun is finally shining, summer seems this close, and no one, not just seniors, wants to buckle down and study.

Yep, it’s that time again – second semester finals.

I feel like I have the same conversation with my boys around this time every year: “It’s just four weeks. You can do anything for four weeks.” or “Yes, I know you’ve run the calculations and if you fail the test you won’t fail the class but do you really think that’s the best option?” and “Yes, I know, finals are stupid.”

I get it. I remember not being able to focus and thinking that there was no way I could fit another bit of information into my brain let alone remember any of it for a test. I dreamed of chucking all my books in the garbage can on the way out of the library and running away from campus.

If your kids are also feeling the pull of summer and struggling to get through the semester – whether they are freshman in high school or about to graduate from college – feel free to pass along these Seven Survival Strategies For Finals (and the end of the semester) that I wrote for Collegiate Parent.  Because sometimes all your kid needs is a sounding board and a plan.

7 Finals Survival Strategies To Help Students Finish The Semester Strong

sleeping student image

Should You Help Your College Student Get a Job?

My college senior is in the throes of his post-college job search and I am trying hard not to meddle. I want to help him as much as I can but how much is too much? Should I offer him a list of contacts? Proof his resume? Nag? (FYI – don’t nag)

I am very happy to help my friends’ kids with their job searches but with my own kid I don’t want to be “that” mom. So, after some research on the subject I think I have a grip on what I can and can’t do – and of course, a list of all of the things I’ve done wrong already (at least I haven’t tagged along on my son’s job interviews!)

I wrote about the dos and don’ts and even why it’s ok to be a little involved for Collegiate Parent*. You can find my article, How Parents Can Help With the Job Search here:

http://www.collegiateparent.com/prepare-to-launch/3-academic-career/how-parents-can-help-with-the-job-search/

 

 

Have you helped your college student/grad with his or her job search? If so, how? I’d love to hear from you.

*Collegiate Parent is an online resource for parents who want to connect to their student’s campus community and find the insider information they need and want.

It’s Not Personal. It’s Parenting.

For a long time if one of my kids looked at me with disdain, snapped at me, or rolled his eyes, my blood would boil. How could they? I would wonder. I do everything for these kids and this is how they treat me?!?

It wasn’t until recently that I realized most of the time their bad attitudes have nothing to do with me; I’m just a safe target for my boys’ frustrations. Is it fair? No way. But at least it’s not because they don’t love me or appreciate me it’s because they trust me that they lash out.

Seems like a raw deal, I know.

This phenomenon – of lashing out at one person because you are mad at someone or something else – isn’t something that only happens between parents and kids. Often when we feel powerless or stressed or overwhelmed by something, we lash out at someone we know won’t fight back, like a parent or a spouse. Psychologists call this phenomenon “displaced aggression.” I admit I have displaced my aggression on someone else. Like my husband. Thankfully he ignores me or, when I’m really being a bitch, he calls me out on my bad behavior and I can take a step back to figure out what is actually going on.

I gotta say, though, I am not as good as my husband is at ignoring crappy behavior.

Especially from my kids.

It’s really hard not to take it personally.

For instance, just yesterday, as my 17-year-old sat at the kitchen counter enjoying a breakfast of eggs and bacon that I made for him, I asked him if he was cold. Before the words, “Do you need your sweatshirt?” were even out of my mouth, he snapped, “I don’t need anything.”

I’d like to tell you that my first thought was, maybe he misunderstood? Maybe he thought I said, “I am going to dump every single item that you treasure in a big pile on the front lawn and set it all on fire.” I mean, why else would he snap at something as innocuous as an offer to bring him a sweatshirt?

But, in reality, my first thought was actually: Fuck this. Let him freeze.

Thankfully those words did not escape from my lips. See, I’m a grown up (sort of), with a filter (sometimes), and many years of learning how to bear the brunt of my children’s displaced aggression (this part is 100% accurate). There was a time when I would automatically assume that my children were reacting to me – personally – and I would be upset. I remember when my oldest was two or three years old and refused to take a nap. I was POSITIVE he was doing it to spite me. Seriously. I finally figured out that he was just being a two-year-old (besides, he didn’t do things to spite me until he was at least 5).

Now I know there are definitely times when my kids’ anger and stress are absolutely, and properly, directed at me. The difference between those disagreements and displaced aggression, however, is that one situation has context and one comes out of the frickin’ blue. For example, if I say to my son, “No, you can’t sleep at a friend’s house tonight,” I expect an argument and the possibility of a slammed bedroom door. But when I say, “Do you want a sweatshirt?” I don’t expect a normally reasonable and respectful 17-year-old to be so salty.

Which is how I know it had nothing to do with me.

The sweatshirt fiasco took place about 90 minutes before my son’s AP Calc final. Was he stressed? Tired? A little bit of both? Probably. Does that make it ok? Ah, no.

Normally I would have said, “Let’s try that again with a different tone, please,” and possibly thrown in a short lecture on displaced aggression because I can’t help myself. This time I decided to let it go, for that moment at least. (Finals, stress, yada, yada…)

I waited until he came back home – when he was all happy and relaxed – and said, “Hey, remember when I asked if you were cold earlier and you acted like I asked if you wanted me to pour boiling water on you to warm you up? Well, your response was snippy and disrespectful.”

Blank stare.

I pressed on because, you know, it’s my job to teach my kids to be better people. “If something else is bugging you,” I explained. “Please don’t take it out on the wrong person.”

“Sorry. I don’t remember saying anything snippy.” he responded, genuinely perplexed. “I was really tired…and cold.”

Sigh.

 

20090403cpbss-a

 

Do you take your kids’ actions personally? How do you deal with it?

 

Like this post? Sharing is caring!

 

When Your College Kids Come Home for Winter Break: Expectations vs. Reality

The anticipation was high. I hadn’t seen my baby (i.e. my 18-year-old college freshman) in two (2!!) months and he was finally coming home. I expected family dinners and family game nights, trips together into the city to see a play, late night conversations and laughter.

And then there was reality.

Ok, it wasn’t that bad – there were plenty of moments of togetherness – but my Norman Rockwell reunion was not to be. My son had friends to see and sleep to catch up on. Treks into the city were not on his “to do” list unless, of course, they involved his girlfriend.

Sigh.

I’m on my 4th winter break (my baby is now a senior in college) and I can tell you it’s much the same as it was when he was a freshman. And, although I know better, I can’t help but hold out hope that every break will be a little different. So here are the top expectations I have every year for my college kid’s winter break and what I should know by now but clearly don’t:

Expectation 1: The first night that my son is back home we will have a long family dinner where he will tell us stories about school and his friends and we will all stare at him with adoration and laugh at all of his funny tales.

Reality: We eat dinner together. It takes about 10 minutes then his friends come over to pick him up and he leaves with promises to tell us stories when he comes home (and that doesn’t happen because I am old and asleep by 11).

Take away: But at least we shared a meal!

Expectation 2: We will all gather together to watch a holiday movie, snuggled up on the couch sharing a bowl of popcorn.

Reality: Everyone agrees to watch a movie but no one will agree on what movie. I feel dissension in the ranks so I demand that they stop bickering and watch Elf/White Christmas/Bad Santa and like it – damn it! About 30 minutes in I notice that my husband is asleep and the two boys are watching something entirely different on their respective computers only glancing up once or twice to watch the movie.

Take away: But at least we are in the same room!

Expectation 3: We will decorate the Christmas tree together – sipping hot cocoa and reminiscing as we pull out ornaments.

Reality: I tell everyone we are putting up the tree. Everyone says they can’t at that moment and I have to wait. So I wait. About an hour later I ask again and get the same answer. I insist we put the tree up NOW, reminding my family that it only takes 15 minutes – tops – to pull out the tree and hang the ornaments. I am met with more resistance. I threaten to cancel Christmas. Everyone begrudgingly walks to the living room to put up ornaments and I am sad because this was NOT what I wanted.

Take away: I should put the tree up by myself. Of course that would result in whining from my family that I didn’t wait for them so basically it’s a no win situation. Maybe I should invite friends to help and offer wine?

Expectation 4: I love going out for breakfast and he loves to eat so I will take him to this great breakfast place I used to go to in college that has the most amazing, over-sized, gooey, iced cinnamon buns.

Reality: He sleeps until at least 1:00 pm. every day and the restaurant closes at 2:00.

Take away: Take him to lunch or dinner.

Expectation 5: We all go Christmas shopping together!

Reality: We buy everything online because after one trip to the mall I remember how much I hate being at the mall around Christmas.

Take away: Start shopping around Halloween?

Expectation 6: We will head to the city to see a play/ eat dinner/see the Christmas lights and it will be magical – just like when they were little.

Reality: When the kids were little heading into the city to see a play/eat/see the decorations was usually a nightmare and did not improve when the kids became teenagers who would rather have been hanging out with their friends.

Take away: Let them bring friends and give them LOTS of advance notice and constant reminders or you will be met with: That’s tonight?!?! when it’s time to leave.

Expectation 7: I will miss my kid when he goes back to school.

Reality: I will miss my kid when he goes back to school and I will forget all about my failed attempts at togetherness which is why I repeat them Every. Single. Year.

Take away: Look for the spontaneous moments of togetherness and don’t worry if your plans fall off the rails.

 

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, the happiest of holidays and a wonderful New Year!

images-3

%d bloggers like this: