Archive for the ‘writing’ Category

7 Dec

Is the Empty Nest an Urban Legend?

Posted by I suck as a parent in Adulthood, boys, children, college, CollegiateParent, Empty Nest, parenting, parents, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but I’ve been very busy trying to empty my nest (emphasis on “trying”). See, I launched my youngest off to college in August, only to have my oldest return to the fold after he graduated from college. My husband is changing things up, too. All visions I had of uninterrupted ‘me time’ is on hold…for now.

Is this my new reality?

Is the Empty Nest just an urban legend?

I explore that topic in my latest post on CollegiateParent*. Read on and let me know if you agree.

The Myth of the Empty Nest

 

 

*CollegiateParent creates essential parent guides distributed at key college events and made available to college parents and families through mailings or online access. Check out their site here.

11 Sep

The Last First Day of High School

Posted by I suck as a parent in back-to-school, boys, children, college, Empty Nest, Fall, family, high school, humor, kids, letting go, motherhood, new parents, parenting, parents, raising kids, school, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

 

When I first quit my job to stay home with my kids I had big plans. Being with my kids was my only job and I was going to make the most of it. Those warnings about “appreciating the time with your kids because it goes by so fast” were not going to be lost on me!

I learned, rather quickly, however, that it’s really hard to appreciate EVERY moment, like the ones when, sleep-deprived and delirious, I would curl up on the floor of my younger son’s bedroom, praying that my mere proximity to him would help him drift back to sleep at four in the morning. I wasn’t trying to wish away his babyhood but, at that moment, while he giggled and babbled at me through the slats of his crib, clearly not going back to sleep, I would silently repeat the mantra, this too shall pass.

Then there were those mind-numbing days when we would make our daily park/library/grocery store circuit, desperate to fill the hours before bedtime. Soon they will start school full time and I will finally be able to get things done, I would think.

Once they were in school I longed for the days when they would be able to do their own homework without my nagging, take care of their own things, and eventually be able to drive so I could skip the carpools and late night pick ups. Just this summer, for instance, as I waited up—again—for my youngest son to get home, I caught myself thinking, once summer is over and he is back at school I can finally go to bed before midnight.

This too shall pass…

And then it did.

And now summer is over and it’s my youngest son’s last first day of high school and I’m wondering what happens when this passes??

What happens to me when my nest is empty?

When I dropped him off for the first day of his senior year of high school I thought I was simply sad because it had all gone by so quickly; he would be heading to college next year and, given his uncommunicative nature, I would probably rarely, if ever, talk to him. But then, when I realized that at this time next year I will have no one left to drive to school (or pick up after or make dinner for or dote on…), my unease grew rapidly. Suddenly I was faced with the prospect of doing whatever I want with my time and I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to be.

In my rising panic I turned to my good friend (who also happens to be a therapist) to help me deal with my immediate need to calm the f**k down. Christina Jones, LCSW, suggested that I view this new phase of my life as a time to figure out who I am today and who my “future self” can be.

“What if you see this as an opportunity to discover who you are now and accept that it might not be who you used to be, even as a mother?” she asked me.

I could tell this was not going to be a quick fix.

“You can never really go back,” she added, “But you can take who you’ve been – in every chapter in your life – and figure out who you are now. That can be exciting.”

Hmmm…exciting, terrifying, anxiety provoking, all of the above?

This isn’t the first pivot I’ve had to make. When I decided to go from full-time lawyer to full-time mom, I went into a bit of spiral, as well. I would joke that I was a “retired lawyer” instead of admitting that I was a stay-at-home-mom – I simply couldn’t let go of that persona even though it was my idea to make the change. It took me a while to let go of who I had been—or thought I was—and to come to terms with the idea that my focus had shifted and continued to shift with each new phase in my and my family’s lives.

And here we are again; new phase, new focus.

This time, as I plan my next act, I will try to be more mindful of the passing days and try to embrace even the moments that can’t end fast enough. In a year I will be a “retired stay-at-home-mom,” and who knows what else. Maybe “the mom who has to nag her college graduate son who moves back home for a year to save his money while he works before grad school”?

This is very exciting.

 

 

9 Jun

A Father’s Day Experience

Posted by I suck as a parent in boys, children, family, Father's Day, humor, kids, Mother's Day, parenting, parents, raising kids, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

The only thing I remember about Father’s Day  when I was a kid was struggling to come up with a gift for my dad. The gifts were never very original and I’m sure, if my dad was alive today, he wouldn’t be able to tell you a single thing I gave him (all of those red ties and boxed DVD sets blend together after awhile).

Gift giving became a lot easier when I had kids because there was no greater gift for my dad than spending time with his grandkids. He was content just eating a meal with the kids and laughing at their antics or taking them mini-golfing and out for ice cream. Time was all he wanted and I know he remembered every minute of those days until the last.

I’ve always preferred giving (and receiving) an experience as a gift because a trip, an outing, or an adventure is far more memorable than something material (and really, who needs more stuff anyway). Besides it has been scientifically proven that you will be happier if you spend money on experiences not things and who am I to contradict science.

So in that vein I’ve asked a whole bunch of dads to give me their Father’s Day experience wish-list. Feel free to steal the ideas for Mother’s Day because why should dads have all the fun.

“We share the same taste in music and love small live concerts so doing that is a treat.”

“An afternoon playing frisbee golf”

“…all being together for a meal when [the kids] are home from college is great. Especially when we hang out by the fire with friends or extended family.”

“Go for a long bike ride together now that she’s older and doesn’t need me to pull her in a Burley.”

“Playing music together in the basement.”

“Get tickets to the bleachers at Wrigley Field for a Cubs game”

“Lagavulin Scotch. Two bottles. One to drink, another for investment or for my kids to drink at my funeral.”

“Golfing together. Not just another golf shirt.”

“Cooking a meal together instead of going out again.”

“Building something together. I need to build a fire pit and I would love for my kids to help.”

“Take a weekend fishing trip together.”

“I’d love to run a ‘mudder’ race with my boys” (https://toughmudder.com/)

“Surfing”

“Make our own beer”

“A night at a comedy club”

“Spend the morning hunting and the afternoon golfing”

“Paintball!”

“Go Kart racing and mini-golf”

“Escape Room” 

“A day at the horse races.”

“Go to a music festival”

Now, go forth and plan your adventure.

As Dr. Thomas Gilovich, a Cornell professor who has spent 20+ years studying money and happiness noted, “We consume experiences directly with other people…And after they’re gone, they’re part of the stories that we tell to one another.”

 

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Happy Father’s Day!

 

 

 

27 Apr

Who Needs “Siri” When You Have “Mom”

Posted by I suck as a parent in boys, children, family, humor, kids, letting go, motherhood, new parents, parenting, parents, raising kids, teaching, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

My family doesn’t have Amazon Echo or Google Home. They have me.

I, apparently, know everything. Just ask my family (oh, wait, then they will have to ask me so that wouldn’t work).

I am amazed at how much my family thinks I know. I should be flattered because – obviously – they think I’m brilliant. Why else would they ask me things they can easily find out on their own?

For example, recent requests included:

“Mom, what’s this flower?”

“Hon, when are the kids done with school?”

“Mom, how do you heat up a can of soup?”

I, like any good digital assistant, dutifully answered:

“Daffodil.”

“May 4 and June 7.”

“Pour the can in the small pot and heat on low.”

The thing is, other than the last question (which, by the way, is a topic for another day) I had to look up the answers. I don’t know flowers (after a failed web search I had to ask a friend about this) and I seriously have not memorized my kids’ schedules so why does my family ask me questions when they know I will need to look up the answers? More importantly, why do I actually look up the answers??!

Often, as I’m looking for answers to one of their questions it occurs to me that my children and husband could be doing this themselves. It’s not like I’m hiding the electronics. But by the time I remember that I’m not supposed to be enabling my children (or my husband for that matter), I’m already three Google searches deep into answering their questions and I realize it will probably take longer to lecture them then to give them the answer. Besides, if I say, “See that mini computer also known as a phone attached to your hand? It has the answer to your question; just look it up” chances are they will NOT look up the answers to their respective questions; they will simply avoid the question.

Really, it’s true. I’ve tried it.

For instance, it took me a while to figure out the daffodil answer so by the time I responded my son had moved on. My husband’s request for the kids’ schedules was similarly ignored when he decided not to bother with a possible trip in June and just planned for July because no one is in school then. (Little does he know there’s an entirely different schedule for summer but he didn’t ask and like Google Home, I don’t volunteer answers).

As for the soup question, well, if I hadn’t reflexively given my son the answer or if I had told him to read the back of the can (like I should have!), he would probably have given up and eaten a cheese stick (which would have solved his hunger issue but, seriously, READ THE BACK OF THE FREAKING CAN!)

I think it might be too late to change our ways. I needed to nip this in the bud when they were little (or, in the case of my husband, when we were dating) but everything took soooooo long when my kids were young. If one of my boys asked, “Mommy, what kind of flower is this?” when he was six years old and I responded, “I don’t know. Let’s look it up,” the process of finding the answer would have taken a good 30-60 minutes of haphazard, child-directed searching and I am not a patient person.

This, my friends, is known as a lack of foresight…or stifling independence, or shitty parenting, whatever you want to call it.

But now, if I keep answering their questions will they ever learn to find the answers on their own? Will they care? Should I just buy them a Google Home and be done with it??

The thing is, unless we can use “Mom” as the voice prompt for the digital assistant I’m not sure my family will know how to get it to respond. Then they will just ask me to ask Alexa…

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24 Feb

Life Lesson: Teen Dating

Posted by I suck as a parent in boys, children, dating, family, friendship, high school, humor, kids, motherhood, parenting, parents, raising kids, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Dear Sons –

I know we’ve talked a lot about dating before (even when you didn’t ask my opinion) but I wanted to give you your own handy-dandy written “Guide” in case you are ever wondering what I would tell you and I’m not around. Call it, Mom’s Guide to Dating.

Don’t roll your eyes.

Here goes:

  1. Don’t be an asshole. You heard me. If I find out that you are treating your significant other badly I will personally kick your ass.
  1. Don’t be a doormat. This is not the opposite of being an asshole. Don’t always give in to your significant other just to keep the peace. If she wants to see Star Wars and you want to see Inside Out make an argument for why you should pick the movie this time. Or compromise – there’s nothing wrong with compromise. If she insists that you always give in – move on. Don’t sell your soul.
  1. Move forward at a mutually agreed pace. No one should dictate how quickly a relationship progresses. Both parties need to be comfortable.
  1. Laugh – a lot. Not at her (or at anyone, for that matter), but with her. Remember, if you guys can’t laugh at the stuff that makes each of you smile – move on.
  1. Don’t let Hallmark be your guide for gift giving. I personally hate Valentine’s Day (as you know). Your father has not been allowed to give me a gift on Valentine’s Day for the 25 years we’ve been married. Sure, for a few years he tried to give me flowers the day after Valentine’s Day but, no…just don’t. One caveat: if the person you are dating LOVES Valentine’s Day or Sweetest Day or any of the other made up holidays (yes, I’m holding back a comment) you should acknowledge the day with something (just remember that the florists jack up the prices on Valentine’s Day so don’t blow a paycheck on a dozen red roses – especially if she is demanding them). Remember, it’s the thought that counts.
  1. It’s the little things that matter. I swear.
  1. Find someone who likes to do the stuff you like to do (but not necessarily everything you like to do – see #8 below). Your dad and I bonded over Chicago Blackhawks hockey, horse racing and eating out. It was a great place to start.
  1. Have separate interests (this is not the opposite of #7, above). Remember you are separate people. I do know couples who do EVERYTHING together and haven’t killed each other – yet. These are the outliers. It’s good to have separate interests – it gives you something to talk about and something to share – occasionally – with the person you are dating.
  1. DO NOT alienate your friends (make sure your girlfriend doesn’t alienate hers either). I lost many a friend over the years to the “I’m dating someone and I need to spend every waking moment with him/her because that’s what couples do.” Ugh. If your dad and I didn’t have our friends around I’m not sure if we could have been together this long. Sure, your dad and I do a lot together but I also like going to the theater (he only like musicals), running (he HATES running), dancing (he can’t dance), and overanalyzing just about everything (he has no patience). Similarly, I have zero interest in playing poker in Vegas, watching European soccer and skiing. That’s what our friends are for.
  1. Apologize when you do or say something stupid. No one is perfect and mistakes will be made. Just don’t make it a pattern of do-something-stupid-apologize-later. Then you are just being an asshole (see #1 above). Also, if you are dating someone who is stuck in that pattern – move on.
  1. If your relationship has run its course have a face-to-face conversation. No ghosting, no break up texts, no social media announcements – I don’t care what the media or your friends say is the norm nowadays. Anything short of a face-to-face conversation makes you a jerk. Yes, it will suck; yes, she may be really, really pissed; and, yes, you will potentially be hurting someone but eventually, when the scars have faded, at least she won’t be able to say you weren’t honest and respectful.
  1. Be honest, respectful and kind. Always.

Love,

Mom

What would you add? What do you disagree with? Let me know!

 

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19 Dec

It’s the Holiday Season and, Really, Whoop De Doo* Because Well, Ugh.

Posted by I suck as a parent in boys, children, Christmas, Christmas shopping, family, Hanukkah, Holiday Gifts, holidays, humor, kids, letting go, motherhood, new parents, parenting, parents, raising kids, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

I’ve asked around and it feels like there’s an epidemic of apathy this holiday season. It doesn’t matter what holiday is being celebrated it seems like everyone I talk to is trying to wish the holiday season away as quickly as possible.

All of a sudden Christmas and Hanukkah are days away and I am scrambling and stressed and wondering how the hell it’s the end of December already. I blame the mild temperatures in Chicago, where I live, for tricking me into thinking that the usual snowy holidays were months away instead of weeks. Or maybe it was the Chicago Cubs’ World Series win that made me feel like the end of the world was fast approaching so why bother with the gift shopping. Or maybe it’s just the news.

All I know is that I have a shopping list that needs to be dealt with, a closet full of presents that need to be wrapped, a stack of Holiday cards that need to be addressed and mailed, and absolutely zero motivation to tackle any of it.

What’s a girl who usually loves the holidays to do?

I’ve checked in with other folks who are feeling the madness and asked them how they are putting the “Happy” back in Happy Holidays. Before you go to your room and stay there until January 2 you might want to try some of these ideas first.

  1. Buy less stuff. In other words, stop shopping now. I need to stop looking at gift lists. Every time I do I find another thing that would be perfect for only $25.00! Do you know how quickly a bunch of useless $25.00 gifts add up? Ridiculous. Just stop.
  1. If you’ve already done most of your shopping try a trick that works well when you are preparing for a trip. Travel experts agree that if you lay out all of your clothes when you are packing you can usually put away half of what you thought you would need and still have too much. It’s the exact same thing with presents. Right now, put all of your purchases on the floor and return half of them.
  1. Plan an experience instead of buying more stuff. Fewer boxes, better memories.
  1. Skip the holiday cards if you haven’t made them or bought them already. You could send something to the relatives who never see your kids but do you really need to send one to all of your kids’ friends? One friend just posted a picture on social media of the holiday card she is sending to her far-flung family and friends. Another friend is opting for Happy New Year cards instead. If all else fails and you still want to send a card you could pull a Julia Child and send out Valentine’s Day card.
  1. Find time to spend with family that doesn’t involve gift giving. Watch a movie, cook together, play a game, go for a walk.
  1. Volunteer. You’ve probably heard it before but helping others really helps put the stress and the excesses of the holidays in perspective.

Wishing you all the best for this holiday season!

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*This is an actual song made famous by Andy Williams minus the “ugh” part

2 Dec

Our 2016 Favorite Things Holiday Gift List!

Posted by I suck as a parent in boys, children, Christmas, Christmas shopping, family, Hanukkah, Holiday Gifts, holidays, humor, kids, motherhood, parenting, parents, raising kids, siblings, toys, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Yes, I know, there are a million gift lists out there right now and they all claim that they are the “Only lists you’ll need!”

I make no such proclamation.

I am simply offering up my family and friends’ favorite things* ala Oprah, sans the free giveaway because, well, as much as I would LOVE to give away everything on the list to everyone, I ain’t Oprah.

Instead, I hope that you can find something on the list to make your holiday shopping that much easier or at least get inspired by something you read. Because, to be honest, as much as I adore a gift list (and I read EVERY SINGLE ONE that I stumble on), I have rarely found the PERFECT gift. I have, however, found a perfectly good gift often by following a link provided on the list and tripping over something else on the page. So think of this as a treasure map of sorts – maybe you will find what you are looking for on this page or maybe it’s just a step in the right direction.

You’re welcome.

For the teen/college kid who is upgrading his wardrobe:

The Timex Weekender Watch

This is not a break the bank, pass-down-for-generations watch but a casual piece of jewelry that tells time. And the best part about this watch, besides the really reasonable price, is that you can easily add a different band and it looks like a new watch! Multiple presents!

 

For the kids who are constantly complaining that the WiFi is soooooooo slow:

A mesh networking home Wi-Fi System.

I sound like I know what I’m talking about, don’t I – but I really don’t. However, someone who does know what he is talking about suggested a mesh networking system to extend the Wi-Fi in our house. As much as I would like to say that our family spends oodles of time together reading and talking and not staring at screens, I can’t. Most of the time everyone in the house is streaming a video, playing video games, listening to music and sending and receiving texts/emails/documents all at the same time. So the WiFi doesn’t always work. And it doesn’t always work in certain spots. Hence, the constant complaining.

(Actually this also qualifies as a gift for the parents of the kids who complain that the wireless is so slow because they won’t hear the kids complain anymore…)

 

For the kid (or adult) who is always leaving things behind:

Tile

Just attach this bluetooth tracking device, set up the app and you are good to go. No more lost coats, backpacks, keys…

 

For that same kid who gets lost and might need to find his way home:

Latitude and Longitude key chain

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Ok, so this is more of a sentimental gift than an actual map, however, for the kid who is already away from home or leaving soon, this key chain says you will always help her find her way back home. (It’s still helpful, of course, in case they do forget your address and need to type the coordinates into their GPS).

 

For the kid who gets lost and has a flat tire:

AAA membership

Roadside assistance is not sexy, but when your kid is stranded and needs his car towed he will LOVE this gift.

 

For those times when you need to call for a tow truck but your phone is dead:

The LifeCard Power Bank cellphone charger

The credit card sized charger is being touted as the “World’s thinnest power bank,” which is great if you don’t want to lug around a heavy extra charger (and, really, who does). There is a tradeoff though: it’s small size doesn’t give my Iphone 6 a full charge but it will give it a boost. (FYI -the charger needs to be charged, too. I always forget that part and wonder why it doesn’t work).

 

For family movie night – inside or out:

A Home Theater Projector

Now THIS is really my favorite thing. I love movies and there is something so fun about being outside on a beautiful night watching a movie on a big screen – even if that screen is just the side of your house. You could get all of the accessories if you want (tripod screen, special speakers, designated stand) but our set up is pretty bare bones – no sheet, just the wall, and our kids’ old guitar amp for sound (although it also worked with a Beats Pill). Popcorn, however, is mandatory.

 

For your friend or relative who is always on the go:

Corkcicle Triple Insulated Water Bottle and Thermos

The Canteen comes in assorted colors and sizes and is great for staying hydrated on the fly. FYI – the 25 oz. thermos holds a full bottle of wine for the beach, an outdoor movie, or a tailgate…just saying.

 

For your friend, the world traveler:

A luggage tag that says it all

Although I am strictly a carry-on girl, I have one of these tags on my bag and it makes me chuckle every time I look at it.

 

For your ADULT friends who are tired of playing the kids’ games:

Cards Against Humanity

We borrowed this game from our oldest a few years ago and we laughed so hard we bought our own. It’s always good for hours of laughter but only if you are not opposed to raunchy, sometimes inappropriate humor. This is NOT a game for little kids as one of my friend’s thought – the manufacturer recommends this for 17 year-olds and up. Little kids should stick to Apples to Apples for now.

 

For the buttoned up folks in your life who like to flash a little leg every now and then:

Stance Socks

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The men in my house do not wear flashy clothes – they are jeans and t-shirt kind of guys. But their socks?  They have prints ranging from Darth Vader to the Chicago Cubs to bold Hawaiian flowers and multi-colored stripes. So, if you need something for a Sports fan, or a runner with a penchant for Star Wars, or a fashionista who appreciates a “Sassy Minnie” Mouse, you will find something for everyone, even for a golfer who loves Caddyshack. Really.

 

For the friend who needs an instant vacation:

Cocktail Kits

Nothing says, “Take me away!” like the smell of fresh limes, mint and a little rum (or maybe that’s just me). The Urban Agriculture Co. offers six grow your own cocktail kits like Mint Mojito and Basil Bourbon Smash. Each set includes one herb grow kit, a muddler, a mason jar cocktail shaker and straining spoon. Ahh…

 

For that certain someone who needs to wear corrective reading glasses but doesn’t want them to look like corrective reading glasses:

Eyebobs glasses.

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The ad says it all…

 

For your furriest child, aka the dog:

The Tuff Guy Tony squeaker mat from Outward Hound.

Tuff Guy Tony and his friends, Lars and Hank, have 11 squeakers (but they aren’t annoying, I swear) and, more importantly, they look hilarious. Even though our dog’s “Tuff Guy” has lost a little of his stuffing and he’s missing an eye, our pooch still carries him around and sleeps next to him.

 

The gift that keeps on giving:

Subscription boxes

Remember when the only subscription boxes you could give involved oranges and grapefruit sent from Florida? Now you can send just about anything and extend the holidays for a little while longer (which is just the way I like my celebrations: 3-6 months long). Last year we gave our younger son a three-month gift subscription to Loot Crate, “the Geek subscription box for gamers and nerds.” Big hit. I also sent my boys three months of beef jerky. Yes, 3 months of jerky. Fights ensued.

There are boxes out there to fill every interest including my faves, coffee and book subscriptions (hint, hint), and most subscription boxes can be set up for a single month delivery or up to an entire year of monthly gifts (a whole year of celebrating!).

 

For the soundtrack of your life:

A Spotify gift subscription

Technically this isn’t a subscription box but it works the same way – a gift every month! Sure, you can sign up for Spotify for free but the premium account gives you on-demand, ad free, and offline music.  There are student and family accounts available, too.

 

For the Host who appreciates your sweet and spicy personality:

Honey and Syrup and Sriracha – oh my!

Forget the tired and sad bottle of wine that your friend will just repackage and bring to the next party she goes to; give her spicy maple syrup for her Christmas morning pancakes and you will definitely be invited back.

 

For some family togetherness:

Take a vacation. Anywhere. Drive or fly, it doesn’t matter, just try to get away – together. With one kid in college and one just a year and a half away from leaving for college, family time – forced or otherwise – is a rare commodity in our house. Even though family vacations aren’t always perfect, a few days away from the distractions of “real life” is a great gift for everyone in the family.

 

Feel free to share your favorite things in the comments section – I’m always on the lookout for the perfect gift.

Happy Shopping!

 

 

 

*Isuckasaparent and Connie Lissner receive no compensation for any of the products listed above and make no representations or warranties – either explicit or implied – as to the products listed herein. I just like them and I hope you like them too.

 

 

23 Nov

My College Junior Won’t Be Home For Thanksgiving (And I Don’t Like It)

Posted by I suck as a parent in children, college, family, holidays, humor, kids, letting go, motherhood, parenting, parents, raising kids, Study Abroad, Thanksgiving, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

I’ve always loved Thanksgiving. I love the food, I love not having to run around and buy gifts for everyone, and I especially love the warm and fuzzy feel of gathering together and being grateful. Over the past few years, however, the holiday has changed for us. Extended family members started traveling out of town for the holiday or had to split time with other parts of their respective families. That meant that our little nuclear family had to switch it up a little, either celebrating with friends or going out to dinner. Those changes were initially met with some trepidation:

What would it feel like to be with friends instead of family?

Sort of the same but without the traditional fights from years of baggage being brought to the table.

Will a restaurant meal be as satisfying as a home cooked meal?

Surprisingly, yes, even more so without all the clean up.

This year, though, I am not going to cope as well with our newest adjustment: our oldest son is studying abroad this semester and he will not be with us for the holiday.

I don’t like it.

When it first hit me, I worried about him more than us, of course. Would he be homesick if he wasn’t with family for the holiday or would he even notice that it’s Thanksgiving because he’s in a foreign country where they don’t celebrate? Should we yank his little brother, a junior in high school, out of school for a few days and spend a ridiculous amount of money to fly there and spend the holiday with him? Should we fly him home??

Before I started checking flights, I checked my sanity.

Sure, I recognize a slippery slope when I see one. First he’s overseas, then he is too busy with schoolwork or some internship that keeps him out of town, then some girl comes around and demands that he spend Thanksgiving with her family. Next thing you know, my husband and I are alone, eating a Thanksgiving-themed TV dinner while watching football with the dog.

But, really, what can I do about it? I’ve been in those shoes and missed holidays with my family because of work or my spouse’s family obligations so I know it’s just a matter of time before he will be in the same boat.

Families evolve – something no one tells you when you have little kids. Sure, they tell you things will change when you get more sleep or when the kids are in school for longer than two hours a day and you can actually run more than one errand, but no one explains what it feels like when the kids move on with their own lives. Even leaving for college doesn’t qualify as moving on; they come back—a lot…at least at first. But then, suddenly, you see a change. It’s not really sudden, though; it was happening all along but you just didn’t notice it. Maybe the texts and calls asking for advice don’t come as frequently, or at all, or you notice a level of confidence – and competence – that wasn’t there the last time you saw him or her.

I visited my son in Europe a month or so ago and I cried when I left him. Big, gulping, worse than when I left him at college sobs. It was not because I was leaving him in a foreign country as much as it was because he was perfectly fine and capable navigating this foreign country without me.

Of course, I want him to be able to separate from me and be independent – it’s what we’ve all been working toward but, wow, it’s like a punch in the gut when it happens.

And it happens.

So, you accept the new change in the family dynamic and you adjust, again, until the next seismic shift and so on and so on and so on, always hoping your family, whatever that ends up looking like, will still kinda feel like a family.

At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

So, this year my son will not be home for Thanksgiving because, geographically, it’s not realistic…and we will adapt. One day, however, he may be just a couple of towns over with his significant other’s family and (in case my kids are reading this) I will most likely be sitting at home splitting a store-bought turkey sandwich and a bag of sweet potato chips with my husband, thinking about the time when we were all together…

Just kidding, kids. You know I would never eat a store-bought turkey sandwich. 😉

(Here’s hoping Mom guilt works).

 

14 Sep

College Trippin’ – Beyond the Guidebooks

Posted by I suck as a parent in college, Fall, family, high school, humor, kids, parenting, parents, raising kids, school, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

 

Four years ago I took my oldest son on his first set of college tours—eight schools in five days. That’s a lot of schools in a short period of time and I normally wouldn’t recommend it but I brought reinforcements – no, not Valium – friends.

Touring schools with friends in tow was not a suggestion that I found in any of the “Parent’s guide to college tour” books stacked next to my bedside but I was happy that I stumbled on something that helped me preserve my sanity and preserve my son’s enthusiasm for the process.

Throughout this lengthy and often frustrating process. I picked up a few more tidbits that I will share with you if, like me, you are heading into college tour season for the first, second or tenth time:

  1. If you can, bring along a friend or two  – it’s a great way to divide and conquer.

If I had to plan that first trip alone I would have bailed after the first attempt to secure an information session at two colleges on the same day. You have to plan the most logical path among the schools and then make sure that you can fit into the appropriate information sessions and tours. Then there’s the car rental, the hotels and the meals to plan. There were three moms and our respective boys on this particular trip and each one of the moms provided a necessary skill: one was the designated driver, one was the navigator/scheduler and one just got shit done.

2. Go to a sporting event…

Or to a concert or a shopping or out for a fabulous local meal. Whatever you do, do not make the entire trip about visiting the school or your child will never, ever want to go beyond the first campus. We went to a concert in Indianapolis, checked out the ‘honky-tonks’ in Nashville and found a taco place near the beach in LA. Find activities that your kid likes and add them to the schedule so they can see what’s available around and beyond the school.

3.  What I learned from our mad morning routine.

If you know you are running a little late for the campus tour don’t bail – just jump in (this means a little late – like 5-10 minutes not 30). The first few minutes of the tour is usually filled with picking up materials (which you can grab later) and a lot of logistical stuff like background about the college, size of the student body and a lot of details about the school that you probably already know because if you are touring a school you have done a little homework on it (right??). Sometimes, it’s better to take that extra five minutes to drink your much needed latte and have your kid inhale a breakfast sandwich (see #9 below). Sure, one of the other parents glared at us as we ran towards the group waving our Starbucks bags and trying not to spill our coffee but he was also the parent who asked how many books were in the library and if the coffee bar had cappuccinos so… (Just remember to be respectful during the rest of the tour and unwrap your food away from the group – crinkly paper bags are highly distracting).

4. As for the tour guides, just because they trip and fall doesn’t mean the tour will be a bust

What you’ve heard before is true: a bad tour guide can ruin the school for your kid. The best tour guides were the ones who were enthusiastic about the school but not so happy that they scared your kid off. Seriously. This can happen. We flew two hours to tour a school my son was interested in but within the first few minutes he wanted to leave. “I don’t want to go to school here,  Mom. The tour guide is way too happy.” One tour guide spent most of the time talking about the party he was at the night before and told us that you could blow off classes because the classes were recorded. I was not amused and even my kid was frustrated by the lack of substantive information.

On the flip side, we had a great tour guide at Occidental College in LA. The guide took us everywhere and spent as much time talking about his classes as he did telling us about the great local food scene, the quick bike ride to the beach and the impressive line-up of bands that perform on campus (that made our kids’ ears perk up). Seriously, we three moms agreed that we would go to school there if we could. The fact that our guide tripped while walking backwards did not diminish anyone’s enthusiasm.

5. It’s better to self-tour then to get stuck in a bad tour.

Never be afraid to cut your losses and flee – or at the very least hit the admissions office and grab a map. If you aren’t seeing what you want during the formal tour, by all means, go off on your own and let your kid explore. Self tours are also great when the school may not be high on your kid’s list but you are in the neighborhood or if you can’t fit in a formal tour. Some of the best experiences that my son had was when he was able to explore what he wanted at his leisure. 

6.  Talk to people other than the tour guide and the other kids in the tour group.

Some of the best information we got was from students who were walking around campus. Of course, it took our then 17-year-old boys a few prods (ok, shoves) to get them to talk to people but after a while they were able to ask random students about the social scene, the teachers and the best places to find tacos.

7. Go off the grid

If you are traveling with athletic kids make sure you see the athletic facilities. They may not be gunning for an athletic scholarship but they will probably want to use the fitness facilities or the athletic fields. Likewise, if you have a bookworm, look at the libraries. If you have a computer geek look for the computer science equipment. Just ask for what you need. These buildings/facilities/equipment aren’t always part of the tour but if they are important to your kid make sure you check them out. This can make or break your kid’s decision.

8. Eat

If you attempt to drag – I mean, take – your child on a college tour and he or she has not been properly fed you will regret it. Approximately 10 minutes into the tour your normally polite child will become a holy terror without some sort of snack/lunch/10-course meal (depending on the kid). A latte will not cut it – you need fuel. These tours require stamina – how else will you or your child be able to take in the non-stop information being spewed by the tour guide or survive the barrage of inane questions asked by well-meaning parents.

9. Let your kid take the lead

You may fall in love with a school and wish you had gone there but, alas, that ship has sailed (maybe). If your kid has no interest, move on. You will find that it is really not worth the battle.

What would you add?

 

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29 Jun

It’s Official: I’m Useless-ish

Posted by I suck as a parent in Adulthood, boys, children, family, humor, kids, letting go, motherhood, parenting, parents, raising kids, Uncategorized, writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

I’ve become irrelevant.

No, really. Apparently, when I wasn’t looking, my children grew up and they no longer need me.

A good thing, I know, but still.

See, last week my youngest got his license. Finally! I thought as I sat in Hell’s waiting room the DMV. No more days broken up by a kid’s schedule. No more trying to finish work, clean the house, run errands and prep dinner during the two hour window between shuttling back and forth to practices or during the surprisingly short block of time between morning drop off and afternoon pick up from school.

And, most importantly, no more late night pickups from friend’s houses!

Yay!

I would finally be able to don my pjs before 10 pm and not have to worry about running out in said pjs and being pulled over by a cop who would assume that I had been drinking or that I stole the car simply because I look like a vagrant. No silk robe or adorable short sets for me. No, my choice of sleepwear consists of a ratty old pair of shorts, a faded t-shirt and a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt I stole from my brother in high school. Pair that with my drooping sleep-deprived eyelids and my mop of hair and you can understand my fear of being mistaken for a drifter.

Those days are over!

So imagine my surprise when my son got his license and drove away from me for the first time and my first thought was: Wait! What? Driving you everywhere and bitching about it is my job!

Just like that. After 16 years as a chauffeur my services were no longer needed. I’d been unceremoniously let go.

Wow.

The running joke in our house is that I am constantly trying to get fired from this mom gig. When I cook a mediocre meal or I forget to wash someone’s favorite shirt I beg my family to fire me. “I’m just no good at this job,” I say. “Go ahead, fire me. I’ll be ok.”

But I didn’t really mean it.

I read somewhere that our job as a parent is to make our job as a parent unnecessary. We are supposed to give our kids all of the skills they need to do all of the things we do for them so they can go live productive adult lives and not need to call us to figure out how to boil water. (That’s what YouTube is for).

You teach them things, like how to read, write, use the bathroom on their own, cross the street, organize their homework, feed themselves something (anything!) and do laundry because you want them to be free of you and a little part of you wants to be free of all of that crap, too.

Be careful what you wish for.

I don’t think it matters if you are a stay-at-home mom, a stay-at-home dad, or a mom or dad who works full time or part time, most parents just want to take care of their kids. They want to nurture and dote on their kids and part of doing that is by doing things for their kids. However, when your kids no longer need you to do things for them it is both gratifying (Yay! Job well done!) and bittersweet (Who will I read a bedtime story to now??).

I’m, of course, not talking about the mind-numbing or gross stuff that they eventually can do on their own (believe me, I never felt nostalgic for the diaper changing days) but the stuff that is occasionally fulfilling. Like driving them around. As their private driver I felt my kids were safe(r) if I was driving. I also had the best conversations with my kids while driving since they did not feel the pressure of having a face-to-face conversation. And, (probably the best part) I could eavesdrop on carpool conversations. For whatever reason, kids forget that you exist when you are the driver and they talk about things they would never, ever normally say in front of you.

Sigh. Those days are over.

Now I will just need to be satisfied with my new, pared down job description. My job has been streamlined not eliminated entirely because it’s feeding time at our house (otherwise known as lunch) and as I write this my 20-year-old son just asked what there is to eat.

I guess I’m not completely irrelevant after all.

PICT0127

Bye, Mom!

 

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