13 Feb

Teaching Kids About Relationships (or How to Avoid Talking Directly About Sex)

Posted by I suck as a parent in boys, children, family, humor, kids, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

I didn’t realize that conversations about the birds and the bees would continue long after my initial “this is how babies are made and no, it’s nothing like a chicken” talk that I had with my kids. I really thought that you have “the talk” and never speak of such things again. But with two teenaged boys I’ve come to appreciate the importance of continuing a dialogue—especially when one of those teens is dating.

So, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to share some relationship advice with my kids (and you). It’s either that or let my kids get their information from TV, movies and a bunch of their friends who also have no idea how to have a healthyish relationship.

Find my 5 Steps For a Successful Marriage at Manilla and on Yahoo Finance:

https://www.manilla.com/blog/5-steps-for-a-successful-marriage/

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/5-steps-successful-marriage-154545486.html

4 Feb

The BM* Phenomenon

Posted by I suck as a parent in children, family, humor, kids, motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Has this ever happened to you?

You hear a word or you come up with an idea and suddenly that word or idea is EVERYWHERE!**  You think it’s some kind of sign – it must be – because what are the chances that you would come across an article or see something on television that addresses the very point that you were just contemplating!

It kept happening to me this past week. Was it the universe answering all of my questions or was it just a coincidence??

You decide…

  1. Last week, over breakfast, my younger son and I were discussing the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, and I mentioned that I would have had such a dull life if I hadn’t gotten married and had children. Cut to two hours later at the health club when this line flashed across one of the TV screens:

“You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.”

Hmm…

That was a quote from blogger, Amy Glass, an unmarried woman without children, who wrote her opinion about how married women with children are failures. Apparently the universe was telling me that I will NEVER be exceptional because I got married and had kids, but does that mean that I will also have a dull life?

2. Later that day I started writing a piece about my younger son who, I’ve decided, really needs to lighten up. As he’s “matured” he has lost his devilish spark. His teenage snarkiness and insecurities have dulled the twinkle in his eye and, EVERYTHING is embarrassing to him – if I dance around the kitchen, even if no one can see me, he is mortified. And he used to be the one to break into song and dance on the street.

I actually typed out this sentence: my younger son has lost his joie de vivre. Shortly after writing that sentence I took a break to read a couple of emails and scroll through some posts and I read this piece: “6 Qualities Kids Need to Succeed — and One They Don’t”. And, what was the number one quality? That’s right: joie de vivre!

What are the chances??

Was this another coincidence or was the universe telling me that I need to get my kid to dance in the street and sing at the top of his lungs—embarrassment be damned?!

3. A short while later I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about how, everyday, there is a new formula for raising successful children. And, I mentioned, that I was finally ready to embrace the whole Tiger Mom approach even it was so contrary to encouraging a joy of living in kids. Lo and behold, the next article I read was, “What Drives Success?” in the New York Times, co-written by…Amy Chua, aka The Tiger Mom!

Uncanny! Was this supposed to be my blueprint for success?

4.  And finally, in a moment that was clearly more Tiger Mom and less joie de vivre, I was yelling at my oldest son about his first semester final grades. Not the non-stop, berating kind of yelling, but a lecture IN A REALLY LOUD VOICE. I have no idea what got into me because a) he’s a senior and his college applications are done so there isn’t much that I can do about it and b) he doesn’t care because he is a second semester senior and his college applications are done and there isn’t much he can do about it. When I finally came up for air he turned to me and said, “You know, yelling doesn’t help. It never has.”

In a huff, I stomped off towards the kitchen and there, sitting on the counter, was a neatly folded copy of the Wall Street Journal with an illustration of a woman yelling at a child bearing a headline that screamed at me: “Damage Control: Talking to Your Child After You Yell.”

A sign?! I wasn’t sure until…

I checked my twitter account after I read the article and saw this tweet from Today Moms: “STOP YELLING! To make kids listen, Dr. Phil says, try a whisper”.

I admit I was starting to get a little paranoid. I was beginning to wonder if I was part of an experiment where I was being video-taped and someone was intentionally feeding me information via the Internet to get a reaction (yes, I do watch too much television, thank you for asking).

What do you think? Is the universe speaking to me or is it a sign that I should just stop reading?

*Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. What did you think it stood for??

**The phenomenon, in case you are interested, is called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, or “frequency illusion” which is the illusion that something which has recently come to your attention suddenly seems to appear with higher frequency shortly thereafter.

6 Jan

No More New Year’s Resolutions

Posted by I suck as a parent in Uncategorized.

Still struggling to stick to those New Year’s Resolutions?

Don’t bother. (I’m still working on the same ones from 2011).

We’ve taken a different approach to motivating our family. I’m at Manilla.com today and Yahoo! Finance to tell you all about it.

19 Dec

All I Want For Christmas…

Posted by I suck as a parent in Uncategorized.

Dear Children –

You only have a few more shopping days until Christmas and I know that you might be wondering what to get me. (You are boys, after all, so I know you haven’t even started shopping yet).

But before I get to my list,  I wanted to tell you a story.

When I was younger I couldn’t wait to buy presents for my parents for Christmas. I would take my hard-earned allowance and rush over to Zayre (the Kmart/Target/Wal-Mart of my day) and scour the shelves looking for the perfect gifts.

Invariably I would stumble on some item in the beauty section that I was POSITIVE my mother would love and my dad would end up with Old Spice shaving cream.  They would ooh and aah over the gifts and get so excited that it started a string of years where some version of a toiletry was about all they ever got.

I would like to believe that even though my gifts were lame, my parents appreciated the gesture.

I was wrong.

My parents never said anything to me but really, my mother was saddled with a drawer full of pastel colored shell-shaped soaps and buckets full of Jean Nate cologne and my father, who always used an electric razor, had enough shaving cream to shear a yeti.  What they probably wanted all along was time.

How can you give someone time?

I’m glad you asked. I spend most of my time dealing with crap: scheduling appointments, fixing things around the house, driving, filling out forms, sitting on the phone waiting for operators and technicians to walk me through something that has gone wrong in the house and, yet, they are all necessary tasks. They are just total time sucks.

I want you to wait in line, schedule appointments and do all of the crap for me so I don’t have to. That is the gift of time. So here is my list. Feel free to give me as many as possible:

1. My laptop needs a new battery and I do not want to spend even another minute in an Apple store—ever again. So you go. And while you are there tell the nice Genius people to uninstall all of the ridiculous games/apps that you have downloaded that make my laptop run at a snail’s pace.

2. Please clean out the closet under the stairs in the basement which is full of all of the toys that you HAD to have when you were little and subsequently tossed into the black hole of our basement closet never to be heard from again.

3. Please, please, please do not throw your brother’s newly cleaned and folded clothes in your dirty laundry basket just because I mistakenly put it in the pile with your clean clothes. Please walk 20 feet to your brother’s room and put it on his bed. Rewashing clothes is a time suck.

4. Speaking of laundry…do you see that overflowing basket in your closet? Feel free to wash all of the clothing in it. And wash your brothers while you’re at it. Do this weekly for as long as you live here.

5. From my tech savvy son, I would like you to figure out why my calendars won’t sync between devices. If I have to figure it out I will either a) never do anything about it and hope that I don’t miss an appointment or b) be on the phone with tech support for 3 hours pretending to understand what I’m supposed to do and never do anything about it.

6. From my oldest, I would like you to drive your brother to soccer practice. As often as possible. Driving back and forth two or three days a week makes me feel like a hamster on a hamster wheel.

7. And finally, someone please return all of the lame Christmas gifts that I bought yesterday (apparently, I never learn). No one really wants an Abraham Lincoln Chia Pet no matter what I said two weeks ago.

What do you want for Christmas?

Merry Christmas!

11 Dec

Surviving the Holidays…with Teens

Posted by I suck as a parent in Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Do you have teenagers? Are they sucking the joy out of the season? Are you looking for a way to manage their moods that doesn’t involve boycotting the holidays??

I may have the answer (or at least the beginning of an answer).

I’m on manilla.com today blogging about my 3-step survival plan for the holidays.  Let me know what you do to keep your cool during this festive season.

https://www.manilla.com/blog/tis-the-season-3-step-holiday-survival-plan-for-dealing-with-teenagers/

6 Dec

The Procrastinator’s Guide to Holiday Shopping (or what not to do if you actually want to buy gifts this season)

Posted by I suck as a parent in Christmas, Christmas shopping, family, holidays, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

No matter how much I think I have my shit together I always find myself scrambling for the “perfect Christmas gift” on December 24. It’s not like Christmas falls on a different date every year or that I haven’t been reminded on a daily basis since Halloween to start my holiday shopping and yet…

This year I had the crazy idea that I could be one of those people who shop for holiday gifts throughout the year. I would pick up the perfect presents as I found them and squirrel them away until the holidays.

And then I snapped out of it.

I think that I’m a much better shopper in full-on panic mode. That doesn’t mean that I actually buy better gifts when I’m panicking; it simply means that I get more creative.  For instance, in years past, our local 24-hour pharmacy’s “As seen on TV” section has been a real life saver. The Snuggie was the inspiration for the “couch potato” themed gift for my youngest son which included popcorn and a couple of DVDs and I tossed the infamous Ped Egg in a basket with some foot cream and nail polish for a friend. Done!

So, you may be wondering how I get myself into this predicament every year—or maybe you’re not, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I usually don’t procrastinate especially when it’s something I enjoy – and I truly enjoy picking out gifts for others. I think the problem is that there is just so much to choose from that I get distracted.

It goes something like this:

First, I go online to browse. I don’t want to head out to a store, or 12—only to find nothing worth buying so, I browse. I check out the GAP website looking for more clothes for my 17-year-old because I have no idea what else to buy him. I scroll through the long-sleeve shirt section but as I scroll back to the top, I notice the GapFit tab. I could use some more yoga pants, I think. I’ll just see what they have and add stuff to my list.

15 minutes and $60 later I have new yoga pants – my husband can wrap these for me – but no shirts for my kid.

Then, I make another major gaffe by “peeking” at Amazon.

It’s like a black hole.

I bounce from Young Adult books for my youngest to shoes for my 17-year-old to stocking stuffers (ooh, gloves!) to the new Kindle HDX.  Then I take a detour to look at the Holiday Gift Guide which makes me remember all of the magazines that I have been saving with Holiday Gift Guides so I abandon my cart and start to flip pages.

I love Gift Guides. They have absolutely nothing that I would ever buy for anyone – ever – yet, I can’t stop buying magazines that scream “Best Ever Holiday Gift Guide” on the cover. I am positive that one year there will be something that strikes a cord but so far – zip. I mean, who on earth would want a $165 Oscar de la Renta ceramic Shell Crab Condiment Server??

When the “fun” of online shopping wears off I often head to the mall (although usually not on the same day lest you think I’m crazy). I always believe that the festive atmosphere of shopping malls around the holidays will compel me to finish my holiday shopping.

Usually, however, it compels me to buy more gifts for myself.

Just so we are clear, I rarely shop for myself – seriously – I need to have a reason to shop and wearing the same pair of jeans for years does not qualify as a reason. However, no matter where I go I can always find something that I want (notice that I didn’t say need) during the holidays. This time I found the perfect pair of pants, the best handbag ever, and sunglasses that block the sun and don’t make me look like a bug!

And so it goes:  one thing for a family member and five things for me.

This pattern of online shopping followed by mall shopping can go on for a couple of weeks. Inevitably it leads to shopping burnout which, in turn, leads to me shopping at the 24-hour pharmacy on December 24.

I already see the Sobakawa Buckwheat pillow and/or the Abraham Lincoln Chia head in someone’s future.

26 Nov

On Your Mark, Get Set, Celebrate

Posted by I suck as a parent in boys, children, family, humor, kids, motherhood, parenting, Thanksgiving, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

I am one half of an inter-faith couple—the lapsed Greek-Orthodox Christian half, while my husband makes up the Jewish half. What does that mean?

It means that December is a very long month.

We celebrate all of our respective holidays, so this year, in addition to hearing Christmas music on the radio that began around Halloween and negotiating packed shopping malls long before Thanksgiving, we also have eight days of Hanukkah to celebrate—in November. I’m going to be burnt out by Christmas; that’s too long for me to stay festive.

But I’m trying.

To begin, I will start with sharing a smattering of things that I am grateful for this Thanksgiving.

I would like to say that the things I am grateful for are all appropriately Thanksgiving-esque, but they’re not. Not that I’m not grateful for my health and my family and electricity and health insurance because I really, really am. I am the person who walks around waiting for the other shoe to drop because I can’t believe how much good stuff I have in my life and I’m thankful for all of it. But, I’m also really grateful for the inane stuff—like wine and popcorn for dinner when no one else is home.

It really is about the little things…

  1. I am thankful that my husband sucks at this parenting gig as much as I do because I know that I’m not alone.
  2. (This should really be 1a but…) I am thankful that my husband knows that he sucks at being a parent and doesn’t look at me with disdain when I do something stupid.
  3. I am grateful (and a little amazed) that my sons’ friends don’t mind hanging out at our house and chatting with me especially when I am wearing the same sweatshirt that I’ve worn for four straight days—and they’ve noticed.
  4. I am secretly grateful for the Xbox or PlayStation on days when I want to take a catnap on the couch and I know my boys will be glued to the screen in the basement for a good hour…or three.
  5. I am thankful that I have a 5-year-old dog, not a puppy, and that my kids are in their teens. I mean, I love puppies – who doesn’t – but I don’t like training puppies and I hate waking up at 3 am to let them out. Sort of like waking up with babies. I have truly loved every stage of my kids’ growth (even the terrible-twos, threes and fours) but it’s kind of awesome to have kids who can carry their own luggage through the airport, talk to me about something they read in the newspaper, and watch movies with me that aren’t animated.
  6. I am grateful that my 13-year-old finally started showering every day. Now if he would just pick up his towel from the floor…
  7. I am grateful for Netflix and Hulu streaming. How else would I be able to spend hours on the couch bonding with my boys over Psych and 24 reruns?
  8. I am so thankful that I have friends who lack a filter (one friend told me that hers “fell out somewhere” in her thirties). Who else would give me the straight dope?
  9. I am thankful that my kids are old enough to understand discretion and have yet to spill any of our family secrets.
  10. I am grateful that my kids don’t always snap at me when I try to talk to them and that, occasionally, they even laugh with me—not at me.

What are you grateful for this Thanksgiving?

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving and Gobble Tov!

1 Nov

Nightmare on Oak Street

Posted by I suck as a parent in college applications. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Halloween is full of frightening possibilities: haunted houses, slasher movies, costumes dripping with fake blood. But, nothing is as scary as dealing with the college applications process.

It’s enough to give you nightmares. Literally.

Last week I dreamt that the University of Wisconsin at Madison denied my application for admission.

Denied! Not even wait listed?!

No matter how much I pleaded with the admissions officers they wouldn’t budge. It didn’t matter that I already had an undergrad degree—and a law degree!

“We are a very selective school,” the admissions officer reminded me. “You will have to do better.”

(FYI: I didn’t go to the University of Wisconsin, I didn’t apply to the University of Wisconsin, my son has not applied to the school nor does he want to go there so I’m not even sure why I’m dreaming about that school.)

As if that wasn’t bad enough, last night I had a dream that I was admitted to some nameless/faceless school but once I got there I couldn’t leave.

No matter what mode of transportation I chose, I couldn’t get off that campus: I fell down when I was running away, the car wouldn’t turn on, the elevator wasn’t working, the taxi I got in kept bringing me back to the dorm. You name it, it happened to me. I was in my very own clichéd horror movie.

It would have been funny if it weren’t so scary.

So, why am I having these nightmares? I’m not the one with the looming deadlines and the multiple essays yet to be written. I’m not the one still weighing a decision to apply to a school with a November 1 deadline at 8:00 PM on October 31!!

I’m having nightmares because somehow, we parents have been roped into this process, a process that our parents weren’t even privy to. My parents didn’t even realize that I had sent in my college applications until they were in the mail. They didn’t read my essays or proof my application to check for stupid mistakes – that was all on me.

To top it off we parents now get constant updates from the college counselor’s office letting us know how much our kids need to get done and when. When I was in high school my mom and I had one meeting with my college counselor and that was the last my mom heard from him. No such luck here.

I understand that the college admissions process is ridiculously stressful for the students. Kids don’t apply to a handful of schools anymore; they apply to 10, or 12 or 15. And each application requires an essay (or three), and it really is a VERY BIG DECISION. The kids are stressed and this stress is spilling into other areas of our children’s lives, namely the dreams of their parents.

I can’t wait for him to get through this process and pick his school. Then I can have dreams about him being away from home and nightmares about how I won’t be able to reach him…

 

Happy Halloween

 

11 Oct

Size Doesn’t Matter

Posted by I suck as a parent in Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

My younger son’s soccer team won a tournament this weekend and someone sent me a congratulatory email that read: “It shows that size really isn’t as important as determination and hard work…”

I didn’t get it. Why does size matter?

Yes, my son is vertically challenged. He is the by-product of a 5’2” mom and a 5’8” dad so that’s not too much of a surprise, but he wasn’t trying out for the NBA or even shooting for Olympic Gold in the high jump. Now that would be a feat for someone on the less tall side. Then, I suppose, height would be a relevant talking point.

But soccer? Lionel Messi of FC Barcelona is considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time and he’s only 5’7”. (His teammates, Andres Iniesta and Xavi are only 5’6”!) Messi is skilled, fast, and determined because he wants to win not because he’s shorter than the average European soccer player.

My youngest has always been determined. “Me do it!” was his mantra even when he was two-years-old and didn’t realize that he was only in the 5th percentile for height. He was simply born with that “can do” attitude.

It’s funny though, how some people—usually the freakishly large—view short stature as a negative, something that needs to be overcome. Sure, there are studies that show that people who are shorter than average are paid less than their taller counterparts, but women and African-Americans are also paid less than their counterparts. Those statistics are far more telling of who is in charge of the money than they are of anything of importance about someone short or African-American or female.

To me—all five-foot-two-inches of me—being short doesn’t mean you have a Napoleon complex.  It just means you’re short.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe being teased about his height has helped my son become a little feistier. My sassy center may have been shaped by way too many short jokes (although I think it had more to do with being the youngest in the family and being picked on by my older brother).

Perhaps my younger son’s spirited side is due to my constant yelling and screaming…at his older brother. My oldest doesn’t respond to my shrieking but motivating my youngest may be a happy by-product! (I’m shameless when it comes to justifying my bad behavior).

I, of course, would rather attribute my younger son’s drive to a higher purpose: a fight for those who have been wronged. I’ve noticed that he gets most fired up in a soccer match when a teammate gets a raw deal, a ref makes a bad call or when an opposing player pushes him around. During his last game, he became more aggressive after two opposing players drove him into the ground. (Both players were his height, in case you were thinking that he was trying to prove a point.)

To get to the bottom of this I decided to simply ask my son if his height makes him work harder at soccer. (We try to avoid talking about his height because we don’t want him to think that we think he’s short).

“Of course!” he responded, without hesitation.

That just goes to show you…

I know nothing about my children.

2 Oct

Just Like the Emmys…Only Better

Posted by I suck as a parent in Uncategorized.

I never win anything and I rarely get nominated for anything either, which is why I was so excited to hear that my friend, Joy Sussman, at Joyfullygreen.com nominated my blog for a Liebster Award.

I know! It’s like the Emmys only better!

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can make a valid argument for a gown and jewelry but…it may warrant new shoes.

A Liebster award, for those of you outside of the blogging world, is a way for your readers to get to know some other newish bloggers. It’s a nice way to show your appreciation for bloggers who you follow and give them some exposure. All nominees answer 10 questions that are posed by the nominating blogger and then nominate other bloggers and pose questions for them.

Here are my answers to the questions from Joyfully Green:

1. Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your 13-year-old self?

I have a 13-year-old so this is an interesting question. When I was 13 I, like most 13-year-olds, was self-conscious and insecure so I held back when I should have been going for it. I would tell myself to lighten up because no one was paying attention to me anyway; they were all worried about themselves.

2. What is your idea of perfect bliss?

Perfect bliss would be sitting on my porch, early in the morning (when everyone around me is sleeping) with a big mug of great coffee and a good book. Those moments don’t happen nearly enough.

3. What books have been most influential or inspiring to you?

I would like to say that I was most influenced by great works of literature by Homer, Plato and Dickens but I wasn’t (although The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli, The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera and everything I read by Shakespeare in high school made me realize that teachers didn’t always assign horrible books). My influences are far more mundane: the Nancy Drew book series (and my brother’s Hardy Boys books) drove me to try my hand at writing for the first time which also made me realize that I shouldn’t write fiction; Arlene Eisenberg’s What To Expect the First Year, with all of its dog-eared pages, still holds a special place on my bookshelf (how else would we have known how to give our first kid a bath if we didn’t have step-by-step instructions??!); I also have 100-plus cookbooks that inspire me to eat better and live better everyday—which eventually I will do—but the one that made me really love to cook is The Silver Palate Cookbook; and finally, although there are dozens of parenting books that I refer to, Get Out Of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony Wolf, was the first parenting book I turned to when my oldest became a teen. I go back to it again and again when I need to figure out what I’m doing wrong.

4. What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about life? About blogging?

It’s the same lesson I learn over and over again: you can’t really control anything, no matter how hard you try. Although I know this is true, I still find it hard to believe.  It’s the same with blogging; I try to put my best ideas out into the blogosphere but sometimes the pieces that I didn’t consider that to be that great turn out to be the biggest crowd pleasers. You have to cede a little control to the unknown influences in your life and your writing…I think?

5. What single quality do you appreciate in people?

Humor. Without question

6. What or who is under-rated? What or who is over-rated?

I think that bi-partisan politics are truly under-rated.

Most over-rated? Reality television celebrities. I don’t get it; I never will.

7. What do you avoid at all costs?

Reality television (see above).

8. What’s your guiltiest pleasure?

Buying shoes. I have a great collection of “going out shoes” (as my friends call them). The only problem is, I don’t go out enough to wear them!

9. What do you want people to say about you when you leave the room?

Great shoes! No, just kidding. I would like people to say that I seem very genuine and that what they saw was what they got. That, and that I seem way taller than 5 foot 2.

10. What’s your favorite post that you’ve written?

Does Not Play Well With Others is still my favorite post, probably because I miss the person I was when the event I wrote about happened. It was early in my parenting years, when I wasn’t so worried about being diplomatic or worried about how my choices might affect my kids. It serves as a good reminder to me and, apparently, could serve as a good reminder to my 13-year-old self. I guess I’ve come full circle.

https://isuckasaparent.com/2011/11/04/does-not-share-well-with-others/

Thanks again, Joy, for the shout out. I had fun with the questions.

And now, as the rules of the Liebster Award dictates, here are my nominees for blogs. I don’t actually know how many are “new” as dictated by Liebster rules (and I can’t really tell how many followers they have) all I know is that they are newish to me:

My 10 Things Blog

LitzyDitz

She Can’t Be Serious

Red Shutters

A My Name is Amy

Shop Chicago Chic

And here are my questions to these bloggers:

1. Why did you start your blog?

2. What is your favorite movie?

3. Where was your last, best vacation?

4. Who is your favorite author and why?

5. What is your most prized possession?

6. Cat or Dog?

7. What is the most delicious food you have ever eaten?

8. What is your favorite quote and by whom?

9. If you could meet anyone dead or alive, who would it be?

10. What is your favorite post that you’ve written? (Please provide link!)

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